LINK:
I've sailed the seas
On the breath of the ocean breeze!
Battled some flaming Keese,
Fought my way through the Tower of Gods!

Met the Fairy Queen,
A fat little man in green!
Rode the winds through the sky…
Fed a fish-man guy!
Won tons of rupees!

I smashed a thousand pots!
And fired some cannon shots!
I thwarted all Ganon's plots!
Just using a sword and a wand! (YEAH!)

Made a Rito friend!
While tugging Valoo's rear end!
Learned a sword-spin technique!
Found a boat that speaks
and turns into a-

PATRON: It's the dread pirate Tetra!!!

TETRA: Milkshake. …What are you looking at, Fairy Boy?

LINK: (quiet) Well exCUSE ME, princess...

GILLIAN: Miss Tetra, how has your expedition been going?

TETRA:
We set sail for Greatfish Isle,
But were caught inside a storm!
Where a giant squid attacked us
and forced our ship ashore!

We stole bombs for all our cannons!
Then set out into the sea!
Where a thousand sharks were waiting-
which we blew to smithereens!

We were caught inside a cyclone!
But we managed to get free!
We pulled up a hefty treasure
With a Piece of Heart or Three!

Then we stumbled on a Ghost Ship (Hoo! Ha!)
Based on phases of the moon! (Hoo! Ha!)
When we ravaged all it had, its hulls (Hoo! Ha!)
were full of gold doubloons! (Hoo! Ha!)

LINK: Oh, weird. All I found in it was a treasure chart.

PATRON: Hooray for Zelda!

TETRA AND LINK: It's Link!

GILLIAN: Why, Mister Ganondorf. You look like you're having a pretty… average day…

GANONDORF: I'll take one of everything. (pointing) On that guy's tab.

GILLIAN: What's bothering you, G?

GANONDORF:
I've got
Forty guys dead
And I don't know Why-

All my treasures are gone-
All my plans are awry!

Someone messed up my bird-
All these girls have gone free,

And there's a snotty green twerp-

LINK: Hey, you looking' for ME?

GANONDORF: WHAT THE-

PATRON: GO ZELDA!

ALL: IT'S "LINK!"

I took my sister back!
I need her pointy ears!
You took her by mistake!
HEY, IT'S BEEN A HUNDRED YEARS!

…Sheesh, get with the times…

Go ride your stupid boat!
Go change into a pig!
Go slash a dozen Cuccos!
Shave your beard! Ride some birds!
Bleach your skin! Learn some words!
Just prepare for owning!
The wind is blowing…
NOW…!

GILLIAN: Hey, buy something, will ya?